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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Quick Hide! Monday is Coming!!
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.