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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...