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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.