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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Save water, shower together.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?