Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.