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Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie