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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.