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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.