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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
is in no shape to exercise
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!