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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong