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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I have nothing!
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.