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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I had your cake and ate it too.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.