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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"