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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.