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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.