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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Do you really have to breath that much?
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch