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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.