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my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.