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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.