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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.