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Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?