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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.