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I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.