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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)