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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
The most common name In China is Chang, correct me if you think it’s Wong.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards