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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.