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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!