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I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.