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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.