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I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food