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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.