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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.