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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.