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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."