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Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.