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If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....