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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.