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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.