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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
The only dates I get are updates.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
drink beer ?? save water
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.