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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone