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I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
I give myself the best presents.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.