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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.