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Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Keep calm and drink on.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"