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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
This headache feels like dumb people
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.