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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?