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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel