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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.