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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.