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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.