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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Girl scout cookies suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I`m not any thinner.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.