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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and Iām still not happy
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.