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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about