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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.