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Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Iām giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.