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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.