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I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.