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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.