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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
My brain has too many tabs open.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.