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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.