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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?