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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.