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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people