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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)