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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late