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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.