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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.