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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.