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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Where is the button to restart summer?