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Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!