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I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.