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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?