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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.