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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.