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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.