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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.