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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.