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I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC