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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.