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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.