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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.