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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."