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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."