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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.