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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?