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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen