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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......